How did I get here?

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I NEVER thought I would be a stay at home mom. I always wanted kids because I was an only child with a very dysfunctional family and was always pretty lonely in life. But stay home and chill (hahaha how wrong I was) while my husband makes money? NEVER. My mother is a feminist of sorts and raised me on her own, true hustler. So when I found myself 5 months pregnant and unemployed I did not know what to do with myself. My husband has always had a demanding job and I wanted to be a present parent so that my kid would atleast know who one of us was during the week however I was soo not prepared for this new lifestyle. I felt suffocated, bored, as if my brain shrunk a little more each day. When my daughter was born I wanted nothing to do with her, I would yell at her and go ” what the hell do you want from me”, I wanted a newborn to speak so badly. I was a HOTT MESS, like so crazy I should of been put into a straight jacket. I managed and struggled to do it on my own and just deal with my new life as a stay at home mom in the suburbs. I thought, you ungrateful b&tch there are mothers out there who are 15 on welfare etc and are making it work, or mothers in third world countries trying to figure out how to get food that day for their family and you are having a hard time staying in a nice, renovated home while your husband transfers money into your bank account? Yea, poor you. So I would yell at myself and give myself a lot of tough love and just do it, take care of baby, clean the house, pay the bills, cook dinner every night, clean etc. boy was I miserable. My pediatrician just about forced me to seek help from a therapist and even though I would go and see her about once a month I was still struggling. Then one day in March I totally lost it, I mean Oscar award winning moment, I am Angelina Jolie in that movie about women in a mental institution? All I could do was cry on the phone with my mother at 2am while my husband was on a camping trip. That was the moment I realized how unwell I was and that I needed to do something. My loved ones were so worried. My husband used to say I am worried I am going to be Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Revolutionary Road.

It took me a while, but with a lot of therapy, some yoga, a mom group or 2 and some help during the week I slowly became myself again, well my new self because what they say is true, once you have a baby your life completely changes. The person you thought you were is a distant memory. I have time now that I can leave the house by MYSELF and sure I am only going to the supermarket but it sure helps me stay sane. I now look back at my daughter’s first year a bit sad because I didn’t enjoy it enough. Luckily, I was blessed with another baby(yes your brain forgets how hard having a newborn is and before you know it you are dying for another), I didn’t have postpartum depression with him and now I realize why people have so many damn kids! They make you crazy but it is the best experience in the whole world. When my kids smile my heart jumps out of my body, like the Care Bears. I am not so hard on myself, I laugh and cry at every sappy TV commercial but I am living my life. Life is messy and thank God for that.


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