I used to be an Ice Princess

ice skatesIt’s true, I used to be an ice princess. I rarely cried, had very tough skin-I told people I was like an armadillo and it took a lot for you to offend me. If you came at me, I would come at you 3x as hard. That was just the way I was. Life taught me to be that way and well my mom too. I was taught not to rely on anyone, I was Miss Independent and self sufficient, yes even after I got married.

Then I had a baby and became an emotional mess. My hard shelled exterior had crumbled! I would cry all the time. When I was happy or sad. I realized how much I needed people. I didn’t know how to take care of a newborn?! I needed to be supervised for God’s sake. But guess what? No one was there except me. My husband had to go back to work after 2 weeks and my mom worked full time. Whenever they could help they did but I was still alone most of the time.  I realized that saying ” its takes a village” is soo true! After a year and a half of dealing with depression I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I didn’t need drugs to see the light (happy dance!). Little by little I started to laugh again,  figured stuff out as we all do when we have kids and I got it together. As time passed I learned how to do things on my own but also realized that I needed help and that there was no shame in that. We are all different, some of us need more help than others.

I don’t remember the day that I was “better” but it did happen. And then something strange happened-I decided I wanted another baby! It was such a crazy thought because during the first year of our daughter’s life my husband and I told anyone that would listen that she was to be an only child. As soon as I found out I was pregnant again, I was worried that my depression would come back but guess what? It didn’t. I don’t know if it was because this time around I had help on a daily basis or if I just simply didn’t have the time to fall apart. Either way I snapped back to myself quite quickly and I felt great. I felt blessed, fulfilled and HAPPY.

Yes, I am still emotional and I am still a mess but I am happy! Yes, one can be happy in life and still cry when watching:

a St Jude Commercial

an ASPCA Commercial

a Folgers coffee commercial

The news

The list goes on…

I used to think that people who cried at these things were weak pussies. Yes,  I used to see things in black and white.

Today, I can say that it is not that simple. I laugh and cry and curse A LOT. I truly feel things and for others and I realize how short life is and how blessed we are, regardless of how shitty our day/month/year has been. Everyone out there is someone’s baby. As Mami’s let’s be compassionate, understanding and NOT judgmental.

Like I said, I used to be an ice princess..

 

GRATIFY

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