Why am I watching this!

Before having kids I watched a lot of Law and Order SVU , I love me some Mariska Hargitay but the moment I gave birth to my first child I just couldn’t anymore. It was too much. It hurt me, yes it hurt my heart to watch the show. I knew it was just a TV show but these stories were often based on true stories. Four years later I have a new TV obsession-The First 48 Hours on A & E. I literally watch an episode every night, it is not normal. The problem is while I do love these shows because they are real, captivating, heartbreaking and informative they also scare the SHIT OUT OF ME. Like I am never going to let my kids out of the house and what the hell was that noise? Is that a murderer in my laundry room?

My husband works out of state and travels a lot which means that I am home alone; as a New Yorker who lived in a doorman building her whole life, moving to the suburbs was a very difficult transition. Moving to a single family home allowed me to take my city self to the extreme; I have an alarm system, security cameras all over my home, a pit bull, a panic button and my house is lit up like JFK airport (this is important to note because the homes in my neighborhood have zero outdoor lighting). So yea, clearly I am a bit over the top which is why watching these types of programs only makes me more insanely scared, anxious and crazy. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it such a vice for me? Why do I do this to myself.

As a mom I find it very difficult to watch the news and programs like these and not be completely terrified for my children and their future. I think how the hell did my mother ever let me out of the house let alone on the NYC subway system. Was she insane! Mind you I did have my own mace by the time I was 14 years old and a device that if I was ever in distress I could turn on and it made a blow horn type noise. But really, what is the answer? I do not want to live in a bubble where I don’t know what is going on in the world and think everything is just dandy but at the same time I do not want to be scared of every single person me and my children come in contact with!

Extremes of anything are never good so I am hoping that my TV watching tastes change once my favorite shows come back to Netflix. Thank God for you dear Netflix, this Mami loves you~



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