I was at a Sprinkle this weekend (a baby shower for a second/third child) and as usual when you get a bunch of mothers together everyone starts to share their parenting stories; in particular our Birthing Stories. While I wish I would have heard these stories before I ever got pregnant the truth is so many of us don’t talk about what really goes down in the Labor and Delivery room with our childless girlfriends. Right after my daughter was born I pretty much told everyone I knew that the whole process was HELL and that my daughter would be an only child. But I forgot one thing, our bodies are wired to forget. Everyone says it but it is true! That is why so many of us have multiple children, that and because our birth control didn’t work!
While everyone’s journey is different here is a list of stuff that will likely happen whether you push the baby out or have a c section:
- you will fart or shit during labor; sometimes in someone’s face
- no matter how hard you try, your partner will probably get a glimpse of your bloody vagina and/or intestines
- you will have multiple people stick their fingers up your whole vagina, think cleaning the turkey on Thanksgiving
- your epidural may not work or stop working
- your epidural may be soo strong that you can’t feel your legs for a day
- you may puke throughout the whole labor
- you could be in 2 hours of labor, push 2 times or push for 2 hours and be in labor for 24hours +
- you may feel like your legitimately dying
- you may get so swollen that you will look like a bee stung your face
- your vagina may tear a little or a lot
- it will hurt to pee regardless
- you will have to wear the UGLIEST underwear on earth with sanitary pads that resemble pillows for a few days or even weeks
- by the time your labor is over you will have ZERO shame and will feel that it is totally acceptable to walk around naked everywhere because really who the fuck cares after what you just went thru
- your tits will look like water balloons
- your tits will hurt
- your nipples may resemble oreo cookies and/or pancakes
- you will probably allow a nurse who you have never met before stick a suppository up your butt because the thought of pooping after labor is the most horrifying thing ever
- you will feel like a super hero who can do anything
If you didn’t go thru this, Congratulations! If you went thru this and/or worse I feel ya.
All I could think of during both my labors were how on earth do women do this in the middle of the jungle/desert with no help or drugs. My respect to all of those women who have no choice and/or decide to do it 100% naturally. There is a reason women have the babies.
To all my badass Mami’s out there you are my heroes!