It’s 9:22am now can I have some tequila?

My mornings with my 2 kids are mental and physical boot camp. It starts with my daughter coming into my room usually at 6:30am today it was 6:15am to tell me that its morning time, thank you time change! Then we have a discussion about how she needs to pee. Today thankfully she made it interesting by bringing me her USA map puzzle, placing it on my stomach and declaring that she  wants to go to Minnesota?! Why? Oh because there is snow there and there isn’t any here (yes and THANK GOD for that!). At 7am I usually give in to the fact that yes it is a new day and throw myself out of bed. I now begin to run around like a cartoon character with fireworks in my ass. I have no idea what I have gotten done and what I have forgotten. My husband is getting ready for work and is calm as can be, he might as well have just come from a yoga/meditation class. The longer it takes him to get ready the more ways I come up with on how to kick his ass. Where are those Gucci stilettos? My kids are all dressed, fed, brushed ready to go-they look adorable. I am still in my summer pajamas at 8am(my room is right above the furnace so its permanently 90 degrees in my room, while the rest of my house is Alaska), no socks and I still have morning crap in my eyes. I manage to chug the remains of a green juice that I made yesterday, throw clothes on and stumble into my car. I am not even in my seat yet and my daughter is making song requests. As I turn on the car and start to reverse out of the driveway I realize how cold I am, well am I wearing a jacket? No. Do I have shoes on? No. I am a  mess. I am wearing a striped sports bra, an old Mets tee shirt and yoga pants. Maybe this is why people think I am the nanny. Although to be fair nanny’s in my neck of the woods are fully decked out in designer clothes, full makeup and blinged out. I think I look more like the cleaning lady. Gotta love living in southern Connecticut-have I got stories!

For now it is 9:30am, I am having my coffee, my son is taking his morning nap and I will enjoy these few moments of quiet. I have to remember that before I know it my kids will be out of my house and I will cry like a baby when I reminisce of these days. Where’s the tequila? I have got laundry to do..

The darkness of winter is better with friends

IMG_6788Every once and a while I diagnose myself with disorders, diseases etc. Every fall/winter after the clock is turned back I declare that I have seasonal depression, I like to exaggerate a lot, I am a Latina after all. One thing that helps me get thru the dark days is my mothers group, every month one of us hosts a potluck dinner. Tonight I made mac and cheese from scratch and it only took 30 minutes! I stole the recipe from Amy Thielen from a show called Heartland Table on Food Network. I double the recipe and don’t use bacon or pepper since I don’t do spicy. See below for details:

Salt, for pasta water (I cook with very little salt so add as much or little as you like)
1 pound of pasta, such as elbows or fusilli
2 tablespoons butter
4 ounces American cheese, shredded (about 2 cups)
4 ounces aged cheddar, shredded (about 2 cups)
2 to 3 tablespoons milk

Cook the pasta as per the directions on the box. Before draining the pasta save about 2 cups of the pasta water. Drain the pasta and put it back in the pot, then add the butter and the pasta and some of the pasta water. Once the butter is melted you can add the American cheese, stir until it has all melted onto the pasta, then add the Cheddar cheese and milk. Continue to mix until you get the sauce to the creamy consistency you like. Enjoy!

One thing that I do that helps me a lot is a make a lot of food at a time and then save it for the next day or freeze it. I would not recommend freezing this dish but you can always make mac and cheese croquettes the next day..I will post that recipe another day.

How did I get here?

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I NEVER thought I would be a stay at home mom. I always wanted kids because I was an only child with a very dysfunctional family and was always pretty lonely in life. But stay home and chill (hahaha how wrong I was) while my husband makes money? NEVER. My mother is a feminist of sorts and raised me on her own, true hustler. So when I found myself 5 months pregnant and unemployed I did not know what to do with myself. My husband has always had a demanding job and I wanted to be a present parent so that my kid would atleast know who one of us was during the week however I was soo not prepared for this new lifestyle. I felt suffocated, bored, as if my brain shrunk a little more each day. When my daughter was born I wanted nothing to do with her, I would yell at her and go ” what the hell do you want from me”, I wanted a newborn to speak so badly. I was a HOTT MESS, like so crazy I should of been put into a straight jacket. I managed and struggled to do it on my own and just deal with my new life as a stay at home mom in the suburbs. I thought, you ungrateful b&tch there are mothers out there who are 15 on welfare etc and are making it work, or mothers in third world countries trying to figure out how to get food that day for their family and you are having a hard time staying in a nice, renovated home while your husband transfers money into your bank account? Yea, poor you. So I would yell at myself and give myself a lot of tough love and just do it, take care of baby, clean the house, pay the bills, cook dinner every night, clean etc. boy was I miserable. My pediatrician just about forced me to seek help from a therapist and even though I would go and see her about once a month I was still struggling. Then one day in March I totally lost it, I mean Oscar award winning moment, I am Angelina Jolie in that movie about women in a mental institution? All I could do was cry on the phone with my mother at 2am while my husband was on a camping trip. That was the moment I realized how unwell I was and that I needed to do something. My loved ones were so worried. My husband used to say I am worried I am going to be Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Revolutionary Road.

It took me a while, but with a lot of therapy, some yoga, a mom group or 2 and some help during the week I slowly became myself again, well my new self because what they say is true, once you have a baby your life completely changes. The person you thought you were is a distant memory. I have time now that I can leave the house by MYSELF and sure I am only going to the supermarket but it sure helps me stay sane. I now look back at my daughter’s first year a bit sad because I didn’t enjoy it enough. Luckily, I was blessed with another baby(yes your brain forgets how hard having a newborn is and before you know it you are dying for another), I didn’t have postpartum depression with him and now I realize why people have so many damn kids! They make you crazy but it is the best experience in the whole world. When my kids smile my heart jumps out of my body, like the Care Bears. I am not so hard on myself, I laugh and cry at every sappy TV commercial but I am living my life. Life is messy and thank God for that.